Work of Art: La Dolce Arte

Pouring one out for the likable pervert.

Post mortem at the Dillon and Kymia’s pouring one out for Sucklord, making jokes about what a pervert he is. Sigh. I miss him already. A frankenbite by Lola, which includes no fewer than four edits, implies that she may have been interested in a romance with Sucklord, but could also have been about anyone. I choose to believe it’s about herself because self-love is clearly her favorite kind.

Time for Dusty to make good on his bet with Young that he’d wear those heinous nylon shorts and I don’t know if Young’s beefier than he looks or if Dusty is surprisingly scrawny, but those shorts fit him looser than I expected. And better than Sarah Kabot expected because she’s just a little too happy about seeing Dusty’s ass in those shorts. But then, everyone is so maybe they’re just going stir crazy.

First we take their dignity, then we take their souls.

So it’s morning at the Dillon and time for Kymia to remind us what a spoiled little cooze Lola is. I love the foreshadowing of her being “impish” by telling people to deface the other pieces then smirking and rolling her eyes when Kymia didn’t like it. I’m sure someone so genuinely happy with how thoughtless and insensitive she is towards other people isn’t secretly a whining little baby who can’t handle criticism. That would be…hypocritical.

The artists head straight to the studio, which does not allow me another opportunity to point out what a buffoon Young is by guessing they’re going to Toronto as we see a “Welcome to Pennsylvania” sign. Instead, we get a huge ad for a car company that makes (barely) life-sized toy cars for people to actually drive. Of course, it’s an Italian car company, so the ability to drive these cars is never guaranteed.

Simon and China pretend they care about this rinky-dink little toy car and use words like “beautifully crafted” car parts, but for real, China. It’s an internal combustion engine. And you can lease this toy car for $199/month. It’s not a hand-crafted super car. Hell, it’s not even a Mini. Anyway, the artists will have to create pieces utilizing at least one car part and the highlight of this segment is watching Lola fall on her ass. It’s more symbolic than she realizes so she laughs and laughs. Then Simon tells them this challenge comes with a $25K prize.

So with the car parts divvied up by the artists they head up to the studio to start working. Young starts wondering how he can make a work of art about himself when he knows nothing about cars. Guys, it’s hard to shine on the judges and flatter himself when he can’t figure out how best to shine on the judges and make it about himself. By the way, please note that this is the picture of Ai Weiwei that accompanied Young’s article about the media allegedly censoring Ai:

Glad it was the Times and not Young that censored Ai Weiwei in that challenge

Now, yes, I can see that the photo of Ai appears to be altered from its original form in the newspaper and likely blown up to be a part of Young’s piece, but that photo is awfully clear and if there was an article with an accompanying photo…how was Ai censored? Oh, that’s right. BY YOUNG.

So the other artists settle in to make something out of their car parts and Michelle, once again, wants to go the pervert route and have a paper body licking a window pane. Okay. Whatever. Really, they’re all just whistling in the dark here so why not. Then Lola gets off one of the better un-self-aware comments when she says the other artists make their decisions more arbitrarily than she does. She uses that word “arbitrarily.” It does not mean what she thinks it means. But I think she thinks it means “everyone else formulates a plan while I throw shit at the wall and call it something pretentious.”

Meanwhile, Dusty has the BRILLIANT idea to make a mold of his face and slathers himself in molding goop covering most of his face except his eyes. He needs help with that, so he enlists Kymia of the social anxiety disorder who’s nervous and vibrating under the best of circumstances. After twitching about not wanting to be responsible for his hairline, eyebrows or lashes, she agrees to help him. I’m sure this will work out for him.

So while Dusty’s slowly asphyxiating in a corner somewhere, the rest of the artists discuss high school and making out in cars. Young tells the tale about being “lucky” enough to meet a senior when he was a freshman and how he’d sneak out and have “dates” in the back of the kid’s van. Oh, Young. Sara, unsurprisingly considering how she’s still working through her abandonment issues from her parents’ divorce, was pretty wild but settled down through art.

This is no way to go.

This character development is broken by Dusty quietly (although you can hear his muffled attempts to get someone’s attention) dying on the floor, his face covered in lavender goo. As Kymia discusses how Dusty will get that crap off his face (Hint: she’s supposed to help) everyone comes over to Michelle’s latest paper sculpture and tells her it’s super awesome then interview that it super sucks. Eventually Kymia remembers she left Dusty to die a lonely death covered in goo, but he’s an industrious fellow and was already in the process of removing the mask without her help. And despite all the worry, he did slather enough lotion all over his face so as not to leave him a bloody, spotted mess. Boo!

Without the Sucklord to be entertaining the work room is kind of tedious. Everyone talks about themselves and their work and blah blah blah. We do learn that Sarah K’s father worked in the auto industry and taught her about cars, but he recently passed, so she’s going to use the front seats to represent herself and her father. We also learn that Lola can’t pronounce the word “bitch” because she keeps switching out the “b” for a “w”. She’s also mixing some solution to crystallize the car parts because her work isn’t arbitrary.

YAY! Time for Simon to stop by and crap all over everyone’s ideas. First up, Sarah K and her Rorschach car seats. He likes it! No second guessing for Sarah. Next up, Lola. He basically tells her it stupid and bullshit and that he’s skeptical that she can keep pulling non-eliminations out of her ass. HAHAHAHAHA. She tries to pull sad, teary, puppy dog eyes but he just walks off. Then she goes to Sarah K and whines about Simon and actually says “It’s not fair.” Shut up, you big baby. Don’t want bad comments, don’t suck.

HAHAHAHAHA. It’s called Karma.

After the commercial break allowed us all time to stop laughing at what a hypocrite Lola is, Simon’s moved on to Michelle. She’s making another paper sculpture and he flat out asks her if it’s for the children’s challenge. Oops. She explains her piece and he’s ambiguous in his critique. Hmm. Time to freak out Kymia. She’s grinding down the key to make a sparkling kaleidoscope but it’s not really working. He likes the idea but does confirm that ideas don’t mean dick if you can’t pull them off. Kymia hears this as encouragement. Oh. No. Simon doesn’t tell Dusty anything he doesn’t already know about his lame attempt to jam his face in the steering wheel, especially after he painted everything black so you can barely see his face, so he’s changing up his piece. We don’t get to see his critique of Sara or Young, but they’re both making sculptures, his is a human body out of wires and stuff and hers is an abstract floral arrangement/crystal thing growing out of the muffler.

Lola, bereft of ideas but knowing she has to do something, decides to make the exact same thing she’s made the last two challenges and plans to bullshit her way through the inevitable crit. Kymia does a drive by shit-talk and says Lola’s tracing but she (Kymia) draws freehand like a real artist. Heh. Bitch. Dusty has decided to put “Going to Work” and “Going Home” on the tires he pulled and is rolling them across a sheet of paper to illustrate the monotony of modern daily life.

While Kymia shows just what a nerd she is by making up songs about Young, Lola’s managed to regain her bitch by complaining that she’s annoyed that Sara’s making something really good. And Michelle makes the Bravo reality show contestant classic mistake of LISTENING TO THE MENTOR. She decides to completely scrap her paper person and is making an “anthropomorphic car.” NOOOO! She seems to rebound the next morning and wants to create steamed up, make out windows, so maybe all is not lost.

Portrait of an artist grasping at straws.

So, with one hour left…Kymia’s screwed five ways to Sunday and Michelle decides to roll around in glue. Sara tells us about how she’ll use the money to go to grad school, Young pats himself on the back, fiddly, fiddly, fiddly, Young gives Michelle tragic advice to go with the stupid car instead of the more interesting windows and it’s SHOWTIME!

Guest judge is Julie Cohen and China looks really pretty and not like she has Stonehenge growing out of her back or a Muppet mating with her shoulder blades so the show is uneventful. Kymia, the Sara(h)s, Lola and Michelle are held back for the crit and after Young wonders why he’s being excused since they generally respond well to his vacuous work, Dusty and Young are told their safe. So, who’s on top?

The Sara(h)s! Yay! Sara J’s sculpture is compared to crystals and floral arrangements and Bill Powers shares that someone said it was the “Muffler of Solitude” but Sara’s not a nerd so he has to explain the Superman reference, but it really is my favorite piece of the night. Sarah K’s piece was a little less compelling to me, but I can see why it was praised. I just felt it looked a little unfinished. Still, it straddles a lot of lines without telling people what to think and the scale draws you in, so it’s clearly a successful piece. But who wins? Sara J! Congratulations. She’s overwhelmed and sweet so I’m happy for her.

Now on to the losers, and it’s really no surprise who’s there. So let’s just jump right in and start telling Lola how, why and where exactly she sucked.

The crit starts off well enough with Bill couching his criticism with some praise and her ego is stroked but then Cohen steps in thinking she’s dealing with a professional and tells Lola the way she installed the piece (it’s all hanging in a neat configuration) and Lola can barely contain her infantile rage at being criticized. Her eyes are bleary and her voice is cracking and just when she gets a good head of steam going Cohen slaps her down with a perfect “Welcome to the art world. You’re always going to have parameters,” and here’s where Lola finds out that sometimes you have to be more than just bitchy and cute. And for someone who prides herself on her insensitivity toward others, she sure can’t take a hit. Brat.

They move on to Kymia but her piece was so tragic and she has no defense for it because she knows it’s tragic and I don’t want to acknowledge she did something so shitty so let’s move on to Michelle. Whose is also quite sad and tragic but the judges aren’t nearly as kind to her as Kymia so this week it’s Jerry’s turn to be a dick and wonder why she didn’t do another piece about her accident because they like their work obvious. They also don’t like that she tried to be goofy and ridiculous but didn’t go far enough so it was just sad. So who loses?

Against the better judgment of EVERYONE they send Michelle instead of Lola and her bullshit home. Even though they admit that they kind of kept Kymia because she’s done good work in the past AND was willing to risk looking ridiculous to do something that could have been wonderful and even though they admit that Lola’s not just a one-trick pony, she’s a one-piece pony and even though Bill tells Lola, and I quote “If you’re gonna make mistakes, please make some new ones,” they still sent Michelle home.

Honestly, this show has now lost the only three contestants who had any charm or charisma and, to be even more honest, Miles really did make the first season, so as we limp toward the finale all I can hope for is that the spoiled little pain in the ass doesn’t win. And with each week that they don’t send her home my hopes get dashed that much more.

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3 Responses to Work of Art: La Dolce Arte

  1. Jolie says:

    Why is it that the females on this show can’t get through a tough critique without at least getting dewy eyed if not outright bawling? If you can’t deal with a critique, then perhaps an art competition show isn’t the place you should be. Sheesh! Makes me ashamed to be a female artist looking at all those crying women every week.

    • Dina says:

      Heh. I’m a crier but that’s probably why I’m not in a profession that requires me to be criticized constantly At least not to my face. But Lola’s crying set my teeth on edge because it just makes her seem like a bully with others. Throw the punch if you can take the hit.

  2. Lin says:

    If Lola looked like Susan Boyle, she wouldn’t be there. And now, when it comes down to the final three and real talent – she’s gone.

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