Work of Art: Street Dealers

Remember when they had charming people in the cast?

Recap at the Dillon has Michelle acting like a decent human being to Kymia and Sara J, telling them she hopes Dusty won because he’s so sweet and has a baby, and I bet she would never act like a stone bitch just ‘cause. The top and bottom feeders return and tell the middling artists that Young won and Lola, as is her wont, bitches again about the winner. She’s a peach. I can see why Sucklord has a crush. And it’s not because she’s young and has big tits. No one really cares that Bayeté lost so we circle back around to Young’s win and now it’s Dusty’s turn to hate on Young a little. But I like Dusty and want to bounce rubber balls off Young’s head, so I don’t mind him bitching.

Portrait of an Awful Person as a Young Artist

The sun rises at the Dillon and Young, in addition to all his other non-skills is pretending to give Sarah K. a massage but is touching her like she’s made of broken glass. He’s whispering and Sarah seems to enjoy it, so Sara J our lady of perpetual gloom says in the softest monotone she can muster, Young, will you massage my…vagina? Then she sips from her coffee mug. HA! Sara Downer has a sense of humor. Good for her.

With that bit of character development done, it’s time for the artists to head out for another field trip. Young, showing that he really was the teacher’s pet, wonders if they’re going to Central Park. Of course not they go to DUMBO, specifically the Manhattan Bridge Underpass while Central Park is literally a half mile from the Dillon, so yet again, he’s guessing a place in the opposite direction and I point out, again, that it’s still best to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than open it and remove all doubt.

Seriously, dude. You were walking distance from the park.

The artists meet Simon and China at the underpass and while she’s still wearing her fetching mod frocks, this time a white, architectural number that would look ridiculous on anyone not as tiny and well-proportioned as she (love her pewter manicure) Simon is wearing his “urban commando” look of jeans, artfully untucked shirt and utility jacket. Hmmm. They’re down in DUMBO to create street art using two brick walls on the corner of Adam Street and John Street.

Sucklord duhs for the audience that street art doesn’t really have much of a definition other than it’s not commissioned (my word) public art and is pretty rad. (His words) Simon further explains that because of the size of the walls, they will be working in four teams of two and Michelle, out of nowhere, bitches that she doesn’t want to work with Kymia because she is a “strong personality.” Okay, maybe. No time to delve, though, they have to pick teams and China informs the artists that they will be spraying from spray paint cans and the matching colors are teams. Since they don’t have a canvas to spray, the artists will spray her dress. The teams are: Blue team – Kymia & Sara J; Orange team – Dusty & Young; Yellow team – Michelle & Lola and Green team – Sucklord & Sarah K.

Two things to note, Michelle was way too happy to work with Lola and Sucklord drew green nipples on China. Really, Sucklord? Really? Simon wonders if there’s no can for him, and rebel without a soul, Lola jumps up like an ass-kissing little troll and says “YOU CAN USE MINE.” (Remember this for when she gets critiqued.) But there hasn’t been enough tension and competitiveness thrown into the mix, so they’re randomly giving the winning team $30K to split. Kymia lets us know that she’d really love to win some money because she lives with her boyfriend’s parents. The assumption that her boyfriend does, too, is not addressed.

Your lips keep moving but all I hear is blah…blah…blah

Artists have 30 minutes to collaborate. Sucklord and Sarah bring up what losing losers they were last time. Sarah thinks their problem was lack of clarity, Sucklord thinks his problem was excess of suck. He wants to be less obvious and literal then suggests a maze to go with the bricks. Ummm. Sara and Kymia, being similarly morose and/or macabre women who like small, intricate drawings are wondering about scaling their work to fit the space.

Meanwhile, over with Young and Dusty, Young keeps saying “Relate to me me me I I I” and Dusty looks at him like he’s a jackass. Or maybe I’m projecting. Dusty just says they have different backgrounds and life experiences which could be a strength or a weakness. As Michelle farts on about how “in New York anything could be happening anywhere and it’s totally private” (like anywhere else in the world, but let her have her precious snowflake fantasy) and wants to make a bunch of debauched images Lola informs us that she’s made “renegade swings” and glitter-bombed subway cars, thinking this makes her aces, and man the level of assholishness in her just grows exponentially the more she talks.

Nothing much happens at Utrecht except Michelle and Lola land on making a debauched party scene, not realizing that they’re ripping off Peregrine’s creepy/sweet tableau from the children’s art challenge. I wonder if theirs will be better?

Back in the studio and people are still planning out their pieces. Sara J and Kymia do quick illustrations while Dusty and Young discuss creating staircases that will interact with the images they’ll put on the wall. But no idea what those images will be. Yes, focus on the frame and fuck the art! Over with the assholes, they decide that the images they’ll be spying on is a harem of “sexually active tigers” getting it on. They’re very impressed with themselves because they’ve never heard of R. Crumb, Fritz the Cat or even the Smutley video, with it’s million plus hits on YouTube (NSFW, Seriously very NSFW):

So, yeah. Done already. Then Lola explains, with not a small amount of pride, that her mother was impatient and would yank her around cutting in every line and that “brash” people (read: scorching, self-absorbed jerks) get ahead in life. She’s lovely. I want to have brunch with her. And smoosh her face into a plate of omelettes. But she’d be cool with that, because I was being brash. They continue to revel in their brilliance of painting tigers with human penises (penii?) while Young comments on their seriousness. Wonder if that’s foreshadowing?

Kymia and Sara J discuss how their respective families came to America/Canada and land on an idea of a family “tree” literally being uprooted and dragged by an anonymous political/bureaucratic image. We get a time lapse montage of them making the scale painting and it looks nice and like a Kymia/Sara J piece. Sucklord and Sarah K are still going with their maze idea. And, as if on cue, they show us just how this lack of clarity critique works as they throw a lot of ideas around, loving them all, and not developing any. I’m sure that won’t come back to bite them. As the artists head out for the night, both Dusty and Young discuss how they made these great staircases and they’re going nowhere.

Morning comes to the Dillon and as Sara J appears to smoke a joint (but she’s TOTALLY the type to roll her own cigarettes) Dusty and Young land on what their actual artwork will be: them discussing becoming/losing a parent, or universal events that most people have experienced. And it’s off to the studio.

While Sucklord continues to charm with a Count impression, Young continues to annoy with his lack of self-awareness, criticizing others for being too “designery” when he made that BS Prop 8…thing and Lola continues to be stank for stanks sake, criticizing Kymia and Sara J for making something meaningful to them instead of a bunch of tigers with human cocks. She’s awful.

Stank bitches

As everyone’s trying to finish up their studio work, Michelle and Lola are using both scanners and Kymia comes up to see when she can use one. Neither woman says a word because they’re petty, petty people. As Michelle acts like a librarian and refuses to allow Kymia to hook up the scanner, that Michelle is not using at that moment but will at some point, Lola shows just how awful she is by complaining that Kymia’s general good manners and asking to use things “bothers her.” Seriously, she needs some kind of Come to Jesus moment so she learns how to get along with people. She’s the worst.

So while the stank bitches figure out how to make their stickers, Young and Dusty, Kymia and Sara J, and Sarah K head over to the site while Sucklord stays behind to make more shapes for their mural and the stank twins stay behind to be stank. Stank. When they, and the Sucklord, finally get to the site Lola realizes that farting around being an asshole has its downside when they didn’t properly scale their pieces to the wall and they look small but Kymia and Sara J’s piece is massive and really fills up its wall. I’m sure this won’t drive their behavior during the show.

Simon shows up for his critique. He likes Dusty & Young’s but advises against the stairs and has nothing bad to say to Kymia and Sara J, except to muse about Sara’s use of the phrase “the man” to represent the negative forces uprooting the family. Time to head over to the losers. (SPOILER!) First up, the stank twins. They explain their idea, but Simon is a suave, middle-aged, Swiss man so he just finds it banal, overworked and too muddled. Lola, who was so eager to kiss his ass at the top of the episode says “Whatever, we like it.” Man, have I mentioned lately how much she sucks. Like it all you want, brat, but don’t be surprised when it loses. (SPOILER) He has nothing to say to Sucklord and Sarah because they have nothing to show.

Lola and Michelle take one last look at Kymia and Sara J’s piece and realizing how much theirs sucks in comparison, Lola takes a moment to shit talk it. Enjoy being cute while it lasts, Lola. As the artist leave for the day, the drizzle worries everyone that their pieces will be soggy piles of mush in the morning. But, psych, nothing happened and everyone’s good to go. With one hour to go, Sucklord and Sarah decide to add a mouse at one end of their maze and a piece of cheese at the other, because he forgot they reamed him for being literal in the past. Finishing touches, last minute cleaning and it’s SHOWTIME!

Where’s PETM (People for the Ethical Treatment of Muppets?)

China hurts my soul with a ridiculous jacket/shrug/boa/whatever and introduces the panel: Peanuthead Saltz, Eraserhead Power and Lee Quiñones, pioneering graffiti/street artist. The critiques go well. Dusty and Young get plenty of people writing, Michelle and the stank one get people putting on stickers but the first chink in their super awesome armor comes when Lee Quiñones takes one of Lola’s “clever” phrases Exceptionally hideous and thinks that would be an appropriate title. HAHAHAHAHA. And true. Probably gauging that the judges think their piece is shit (it is) Lola passive-aggressively decides to “tag” the other pieces, but focuses on Kymia and Sara J’s. She claims it’s to be devious, but she’s already expressed jealousy over Kymia’s success and states later that she’d be pissed if someone pulled that stunt on her, so she’s a lying liar who lies. And is stank. Not much is said about Sucklord and Sarah K’s except Jerry thinks it’s boring.

So, winner is?

Obvious and literal work from Young with an “interactive” element, but of the four I can see why it won. At least the interactivity came with stairs. So congratulations, Dusty and Young on winning $30K. And this week’s runner up is:

Lee and China are the ones shown talking about this piece, and after reading Jerry’s and Bill’s blogs, I understand why. Just because hot chicks draw tiger dicks doesn’t mean they want to party with you guys. But congratulations Sara J and Kymia on doing well. Don’t let little stank ones get you down.

As an added bonus, the winners get to stay around and “critique” the losers!

First up:

Jerry and Bill try to sound like they’re down with the street art and Bill gives the best un-self aware comment, ever, when he says their piece looks like it was commissioned by some white wine drinkers…forgetting that he’s a gallery owner and his wife is Cynthia Freakin’ Rowley, so he just dissed himself. China just wants to know who did what, but they won’t sell each other out.

Next losers:

Lola starts in with her PT Barnum bullshit telling a good story to make up for lousy work but the judges aren’t buying it this time. Lee, especially, just mocks them and calls it “bland wallpaper.” We get to hear Kymia and Sara J’s opinion of Lola and Michelle and they bring up the tagging. Lola tries to defend herself by smirking and “apologizing” but saying she was trying to “get at the illegality and deviousness of street art,” except later in the stew room she admits that if someone had done that to her work, she’d have been pissed. She’d be a great Republican pundit. Taking umbrage when someone does to her what she has done unto them. Did I mention she’s awful?

So who loses?

So long, Morgan Phillips. You were sweeter and more charming than your moniker Sucklord implies. Keep making your toys. You’ll be missed.


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3 Responses to Work of Art: Street Dealers

  1. Jolie says:

    I have to say I’m not sad to see Sucklord go. The only really good thing I saw him do was suggest the Play With Me concept for the Movement challenge. I’ll admit, that was excellent and it helped them win. But I am just not terribly impressed with him or the work I looked at on his site. But then I have a lot of trouble taking an artist seriously when they make action figures of their alter-ego.

    • Dina says:

      Oh, work wise it was more than his time to go, that’s for sure. But he was funnier and sweeter than I expected and a breath of fresh air on the show. That’s what I’ll miss. And I thought his toys were cool. Don’t know if they’re art, but I liked the pink storm troopers.

  2. Al says:

    Totally spot on with this analysis. Well done! Lola annoyed the living hell out of me this episode. Can’t wait till she’s off the show.

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